inferiority complex

I love her so much, everybody loves her and it makes me hate myself.

My best friend is perfect. She is gentle, beautiful and sweet, the kind of girl you write songs about, and I love her. Everybody loves her and it makes me hate myself. I know, I know: comparison is the thief of joy but there is no comparison between this pair - it would be an unfair competition after all. She is superior in every facet. 

We’re both attractive but there’s a difference in our beauty. She is admired, sought after and courted, she is loveable. I am lusted after, sought just for the night and disposed of the following morning. She’s the saint, and I the Jezebel. I chastise myself for letting others use my body for pleasure while she remains classy and composed. It is however, the only affection I receive - the drug I will continue to take. 

There is no me without her, we come as a pair, and yet - everyone knows who the favourite is. People ask me about her constantly, if someone sees me without her the first thing they’ll say is ‘where is she?’ No ‘hello, how are you?’ or ‘it’s nice to see you’. I doubt they would ask her the same question if I were absent. It is hurtful to feel unwanted, even worse to be irrelevant. These people do not see me, they see a gateway to my friend - the angel.

I do not resent her for it in the slightest, on the contrary, I blame myself. She does not see her own superiority - humility, being another one of her many accolades - she believes me to be beautiful. I acknowledge that she has made me a better person, she has uplifted and supported me in every way possible, but I am still not good enough. I am still broken. 

Why can’t I be better, more likeable, more respected? I want to be like her but I don’t know how. I cannot fit myself into that mould no matter how hard I try - I am simply misplaced. This predicament has made me question the purpose of friendship. Namely: do we surround ourselves with people like us or people we want to be like? Are our friends inspiration, competitors or equals? In my case, my best friend is my idol and a living reminder of all my flaws.